small beauties (007)
It's about saying, "open this wall for me, please."
I had a call earlier today with a very dear long-time friend and co-conspirator in the art world, one of the biggest and most enduring stars in the sky of my life. At the end of it, we’re saying all the goodbye things: “I can’t wait for… I wish you… May all… Thank you so much… It’s always…” and I add, “The bastards won’t get you down.” He says, “I wish they could.” I say “Of course. Unfortunately for them, it can only be a wish. They can’t touch you, it’s written.” He says “There’s an Arabic word for that: Maktub.”
My Restful people, khalas, maktub!
I spent the period between Tuesday night and Sunday morning in the throes of a migraine. It’s kinda gone now but everywhere is a bit sore and I do have to be careful so that I don’t fall back into another one. This was 2019 me’s nightmare—continuing a life blighted by migraines. Thinking about my future back then made me think of Birdbox and made me salivate at the memory of one of the hospital scenes. Like the characters in the movie, the only way I could live into the future was by closing my eyes to it. I could not dare look into the prospect of sharing my life with pain like that. In the blindfolds that helped me survive, the future was bleak, dark and void.
Fast forward five years into that future, somewhere on the pot-hole-ridden roads of FESTAC/Satellite Town, going ow! with each bump we drove through, I realised I was happy. There I was, living with these migraine friends in my life, and absolutely enjoying the life. The worst happened, peaked and floated back to some moderate level and it turns out that life could also be fun in it!
Whenever people said, “The life you desire is on the other side of what you fear”, I always thought “lmaooo if my migraines hear!” I feared that one day the pain will drive me off the ledge, which felt like a waste because it’s not as if I think migraines are worth my life, but I just feared that one day I’d be so irritated and find it perfectly reasonable to go like Sylvia Plath. I feared I would not be able to make a living with them around, given how greedy they are. I feared their colonial asses would take up all the space I needed to do the thing that made my life feel worth living—thinking! My mum would always say stop calling them yours! But now I don’t mind them, they are mine. Granted, they aren’t nearly as frequent as they had been for most of my life. But I can’t help but appreciate this thing that has come to define my life so far for me. I owe a lot of the courage, wisdom and passions in my life to them. Yes, they gobble up half of my weeks, whole weeks sef if they and I are feeling frisky but like, remember, [being in pain] in still time spent in the world, this marvellous, ridiculous world.
Still in the spirit of last week’s theme of ‘be realistic: expect good things’, I thought about and enjoyed berlioz’s ‘open this wall’ a lot this week.
The song surprised me the first time I listened to it. The speaker said, It's about not going against the grain. It's about not banging your head against the wall that will not come down. And I sighed and thought, I’ve heard now, yes, yes, let go abi? Instead, I heard her say,
“It’s about saying, 'Open this wall for me please'.”
Remember the quote by Briana Wiest from two letters ago where she starts with “If you knock on a door and it remains closed, it means there is nothing behind it.” Hold that in one hand, and hold this in the other. One for Peter, the other for Paul.
I ask ‘Open this wall for me, please’ and out of the person I know myself to be, I fashion a person who walks through walls as a matter of reason. What is a wall if not matter shaped in this way? What am I if not matter shaped another way? What moves this matter and that matter if not energy? If not All? Oya now, open this wall for me, please. You gave me this assignment, this desire in my heart and walking towards it has only made me feel more alive so I believe You when You say you’re here to please me and be pleased, so give me this joy my daily bread.
The way I see it now, saying ‘Open this wall for me, please’ is not about moving God. God is gonna do what God wants to do alwayssss—regardless of you or your stupidity or your stubbornness, your cringe, your expectations. Rather, it is about moving yourself to become a person who believes she can command the heavens and the earth because she finally sees herself as part and parcel of it. And that transformation is the whole point. Onye kwe, chi ya kwe.
In one of the things that kept me busy this past month, I saw this:
I like the phrasing. The business is optional. It’s like: take this if you’re interested in changing things about the world, in improving society. If you’re not interested, that’s calm. If you’re someone who thinks society can not be improved, this is not for you. Your existence might just be the universe’s season of chill or of complacence. Remember sha, whatever you choose is still time spent in this world.
Which reminds me, before I go!
I have not stopped thinking about these lines this past few weeks, I fear I may have included it in every thing I have worked on since then, warranted or not. 🤭
Internet Gems
I’ve been expanding the playlist:
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3gl2OSuZSes8GaAUQ7ydmd?si=5cf7e7166e4d4e17
“Hey sweetie, I want you to know that it’s okay to be afraid.”
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMrTapDQh/First three seconds had me in tears.
Remember the conversation I mentioned in last week’s letter where I had said in bitterness that fear is the enemy. I’ll be honest, I was not moved by my interlocutor’s retort that fear protects us too and that it co-exists with love. I get it, and do not disagree but it did not move my own position, my appraisal of what role fear is playing in my life. Every time I went back to our conversation in my head, I thought, sure, protect us from what feels horrible in the moment but at what cost to our resilience? But this grandpa’s 6 minutes of yapping, I felt it.
Summary of his gist: In your journey from here to there, it’s okay if you’re currently in a place that isn’t good for your spirit. It’s the fear that keeps us there, and it’s okay, as in it’s not a difficulty to be ashamed of. It is hard, you’re human, being afraid is nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes, it just takes time, sometimes, it takes pain, a pain greater than the fear. Just know that despite—and with—the fear, you can take that leap at the edge of the abyss. The universe/God is there to catch you, it loves that from you. You can do the thing.
Mehn, this babe do be saying some stuff that make lucid sense. Her metaphor of placing an order at God’s/the universe’s restaurant and expecting it not to be delivered is now a staple in my mind. This video though summarises one of the things I’ve been trying to say since early 2023: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMrw9geqU/
You have to confront the denial. Gently. You’ve been doing this all along—titrating up on reality. Denial is what addictions are about. Addictions are a dam against emotional flooding. You are dismantling the dam stone by stone, don’t push yourself around about it. The emotional clearing work can be quite uncomfortable. It is worth it. But it does seem to be the case that you make an investment in the work for some period of time before you see evidence of the fruits of your labour. There’s a lag. That’s why it’s called faith! <smiles!> Keep going. I love you.
https://www.frederickbuechner.com/listening-to-your-life
[I]f I were called upon to state in a few words the essence of everything I was trying to say both as a novelist and as a preacher, it would be something like this: Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.
If you’re in London, Cecile Emeke of the strolling and ackee & saltfish series is hosting a 10 year anniversary screening of both projects at Genesis cinema on September 21st. Get tickets here.
Till next time!
- Immaculata
